when in the chronicle of wasted time

I haven't updated in awhile. Sorry.

I miss the rear. I miss Maryam. I miss Adrienne too. I haven't spoken to either of them that much this break. When we are in the rear we are likethis but when we are not in the rear we are like this.

I went to a Christmas celebration last night, and someone commented that my room in the rear is "really cold." I don't make this stuff up; some people have serious grievances about the rear.

My Christmas was fairly good. Good people, good food, good gifts. I ate too much of the potatoes. Oh boy.

I don't even know what the other rear girls did for Christmas. This is ridiculous. Or, as we like to say in the rear: "redic."

School starts in a week. I'm torn because I miss the rear, but I am having a great time at home too.

Totally torn.

Since I have no current conversation to tell you all about between me and Maryam, I will use my memory and recount an event that happened a few weeks ago.

"Do you want a smoothie?"
"Um, no thanks Maryam."
"Why don't you like smoothies?"
"I don't dislike them, I'm just not crazy about them like you are."
"But you've never had one that I've made, you might really like it."
"I might."
"So have one. Please, let me make you a smoothie."
"Fine, make me a smoothie."

(One hour later)

"Are you going to make the smoothie?"
"Don't rush me!"

(Half an hour later)

"Here's your smoothie. We had no fruit."
"What's in it then?"
"You are so picky. Drink the smoothie. You begged me to make it for you, and now you won't even TRY it."

(Takes a sip)

"It tastes like plain yogurt."
"Are you trying to say that you hate yogurt now?? I can't keep up with you Lindsay! Fine, don't drink the smoothie!" (Knocks glass out of my hand)


I can't make this stuff up.

And for the record, I do like yogurt.

Happy Boxing Day!

When you've gotta blog, you just gotta blog...

I'm starting to suspect that no one likes the blog. I mean, what more can I do? I tell you all about my day, about Maryam, about everyone.

I've got nothing. No one even reads this.

It's tedious.

For real though. I love blogging. I just need something blog-worthy to happen. Maybe Maryam will blog.

We are not even in the rear right now.

Gosh, I love blogging.

Maryam is Perfection

I just got off the phone with Maryam. Neither of us are in the rear right now, and that saddens me immensely.

She should be back in the rear tomorrow.

I am going to use this post to discuss a few things that are wrong with the rear.

"But Lindsay, what could possibly be wrong with the rear?"

I know, it's hard to believe, but there are some things that we all need to work on.

1. People need to send us mail more often.
2. We need to figure out how to make the heat circulate in the rear. I'm really hurting down in the basement; the cold is painful, painful.
3. Laundry situation needs to be resolved once and for all.
4. We need to use the crockpot ASAP.
5. Eating needs to be done at the table more often. Why do we even have that table/chairs if no one ever eats/sits at it?
6. Maryam's alarm clock. I'm not even going to get into it. I'll get too upset, but, seriously, it needs to be destroyed.

I don't want to complain too much, so I'll stop the list now.

All these things are bearable, but I don't think that we should settle. You know?

That's all I got for the post today.

Winter break has been interesting so far.

every rose has its thorn...

If you all thought that I was going to be done with the "posting" just because I have "left the rear," they you all are crazy. This blog is so mad popular that the constant request for updates is really starting to affect me. Here's an update, are you happy now?

I'm not even in the rear, but, apparently, this does not deter anyone from harassing me about "updating the mad popular blog."

Some people say that I "use quotations where they are not necessary."

And?

Leaving the rear was sad yesterday; I certainly can't deny that. I thought I was going to cry when I turned the fireplace off, took my cassette out of the stereo, and took one last look around the place: slowly turning my head from side to side to commit every detail to memory; the gorgeous paintings of the rears, the little pieces of wood that Maryam was planning to use for some art project--but that are long forgotten now, making a trail from the living room to her bedroom, a trail that I follow every night, wondering why Maryam can't love me in the way that I love her, a trail of tears really--the Starburst wrappers, the DVD remote that is in serious need of batteries, the chair that I stole from my house (Maryam claims this chair "smells like a dog"), the skeleton man, the leopard print shoe chair...wow, the rear is truly the center of the universe.

Maryam and I talked last night while she was in the rear, and I was in Woodridge. Man, was that bittersweet.

I've tired of this post. Please check back often, I've promised you faithful readers that I intend to keep publishing daily, and, really, I intend to keep that intention.

Much love.

Rear style.

So bittersweet...

"Just so you know, I'm not going to get with you."

So, it's Thursday morning. It was snowing before, not so much now. I'm leaving the rear soon; Maryam will be leaving in a few days.

Apparently, Maryam did not like the last post in the blog. She claims that it makes me look "obsessive." After reading last night's post she claimed that "everyone is going to think that you are in love with me." I don't even know how to begin to respond to that. I won't deny it: I wear my love for Maryam Jafferji on my sleeve. And my pant leg, sock, and shoe.

We discovered the identity of Sandy Beaches. I'm not sure that I should reveal this on the blog. All I have to say is this: Sandy Beaches, I knew who you were the second that I laid eyes on your comments. You didn't fool anyone. I bet that one hurt, huh?
Well, the rear saw some fun times this winter break. A quick recap:

paintings of rears
the movie "Crash"
loads of conversations
sleepovers
ice cream
OPRAH
laundry debacles
cassette making
late night visitors
early evening visitors
chair-making
pottery classes
TOO MUCH WORK
sandwiches
pilates
fireplace
phone calls
snow
maryam's f*cking alarm clock
massages
crossword puzzles
NEXT
the food network
fruit
Maryam insulting my friends

That's all I can really think of right now. Adrienne is back from Ireland, we intend on calling her today. She needs to be caught up with all the business that has gone down in the rear. I mean, man, she doesn't even know about the BLOG yet!

I wish that this "online journal of thoughts" could do our apartment justice. But it really can't.

I know what you are thinking. "But Lindsay, you're such an amazing writer, you perfectly capture the mindless detatils that afflict the ladies of the rear. In fact, you are the voice of your generation."

To comments like that, I'll attempt a bit of modesty. "Aw shucks, not me." That's the only respnse that I have.

One more conversation before I leave the rear:

"Did you sleep well?"
"I did, until you made me get up to help you with the laundry."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know what else to do."
"But Lindsay, it was so early!"
"It was 11:30. Your alarm clock woke me up at 7 this morning. I had to pound on your door for literally minutes before you got up to turn it off."
"Stop bothering me."
"But, seriously, did you sleep well?"
"You are bothering me again."
"Wow, sorry. I guess I'll just go home now."
"No, please, stay another night. Why do you have to go home now? I am going to miss you so badly. I will be lonely. Can't you go home tomorrow? Or next week? We have so much fun together Lindsay. You're the best friend that I've ever had. Please, please, please don't leave me."

Who is the obsessive one now?

Take it.

Wax on, wax off.

Wow, what a day that we had here. In the rear.
So, as you read in the previous post, Maryam's friend Michelle spent the night here. She and Maryam went to the aquarium this morning.
"How was the aquarium?"
"It was fun."
"Care to elaborate for the blog?"
"I'm playing online Scrabble right now."
"Stop copying me."

I guess no one is going to hear about the aquarium.

It's ok, we've all seen fish. Don't go thinking that you are anything special, Maryam.

We are watching Oprah right now. Some people seem to think that we worship Oprah as a god. I wouldn't go this far, but she is the closest thing to holy in the rear.

Maryam just did something unspeakable to me. If you'd like to venture a guess about what this act was, please, go right ahead.

"Did anything happen to you at work today? Anything blog-worthy?"
"Yeah."
"Well?"
"I made the kids do a puzzle with me because I just really wanted to do a puzzle."
"That sounds a little selfish."
(Silence.)

"Want to hear about my day?"
"What was it like?"
"Well, this guy insulted me hardcore."
"Wait, what did you do?"
"I went to work, you knew that. You're not even paying attention to me. Only to your online Scrabble."
"Don't put that in the blog."
"I already typed it out."
"You need too much attention."
"It's true."
"I can't handle your mood swings and constant need for validation."
"How did I ever live without you?"
"Lindsay, I'm insulting you."
"Marry me. I can go brown."
"You're sick."
"I love you, never leave me."

That's probably about it. We've got the fireplace, Oprah is on (though Celine Dion is the guest, and I can't say that I am thoroughly enjoying it), and Maryam and I are sitting side by side on the couch. I don't want to leave her and the rear tomorrow.

Wow, Oprah just took a really sad turn.

I almost can't handle it.

Wow.

I wish I could tell you the really juicy stuff that happened in the rear today; the world just isn't ready for it yet.

"I'll be home for the holidays..."

Our Blog Got a Great Review

"Enthralling insight into the tangled minds of three self-deprecating college girls. A pithy yet poignant look into the everyday workings of college women with a little too much time on their hands. Oprah seems to have replaced their God."

Yeah, we ate grapefruit today too...

What a day, what a day, what a day. What a day.
So, as of right now (12:36), no one really likes our blog. No one thinks that we are interesting?
For real?
Well as of the last post, Maryam and I both went to work.
"Did you have a good day Maryam?"
"Yeah."
"Is that all you have to say about your day?"
"Yeah."
"Say something interesting for the blog."
"A child yelled at me and then hit someone, and then she refused to go on time-out for the rest of the day."
"Wow. Sounds like you had an interesting day."
"Yeah."

That was just one example of a typical conversation in the rear.

"Maryam, ask me about my day."
"No."
"For the blog Maryam, for the blog."
"How was your day?"
"Wow, so glad that you asked. We ran out of napkins, that wasn't so great. Most people hated not having napkins; some people didn't care I guess. Probably because they don't usually use napkins. It's a good thing that we didn't run out of forks."
"No one is going to care about this."
"Jeezaloo. Do you want to know how my day went or what?"
"I don't really want to know."

For real, that is how things go down in the rear.
We watched Oprah tonight, it was about swingers. I didn't see all of it. I was interrupted with a few phone calls. We are popular girls in the rear.
Maryam got a phone call too. Good for her. Whoopdedoo.
After we both got off the phone, we watched Sex and the City.
Maryam's friend Michelle is spending the night tonight. She's a basket of laughs. Over and over, the laughs never stop. She left a comment on our one previous blog; she wishes that she could be a part of the rear. Doesn't everyone though?

Most people don't like our blog so far. That's ok, that doesn't bother us. We are new at this blogging phenomenon. It will take time for our blogs to become polished pieces of literature. And, believe me, literature they one day will become. Also, the very nature of blogging is people recording minute details of their mundane lives. If you are allowed to blog about the details of your "crazy partay-ing lifestyle," then why can't we blog about the rear? Mundaneness is hip; it's part of our lifestyle. Sometimes we are more interesting, apparently right now we are less so. Deal with it. Check back to the blog often, interesting stuff could happen anyday now.
That's about it for now. Adrienne comes back from Ireland tomorrow. I go home on Thursday. Maryam won't be here this weekend either. The rear will be empty.
Oh yeah, we ate cookies today.
Until next time...

All About Ass

Wow, it's about time. Finally, an online forum to recount every single thing that happens to us, and to be as self-indulgent as possible! Apartment 1R is home to the ladies of "The Rear," and as we like to say, "what happens in the rear, stays in the rear."
For real.
Two nights ago Maryam and I did paintings of each other's rears; we posed for each other, and Maryam also did a painting of Adrienne's rear, though since A is in Ireland, this painting was done from memory. The memory of A's sweet sweet rear.
Come by and see our rears sometime.
For real.
This break has been fairly uneventful for the most part. Adrienne has been living it up in Ireland (decidedly NOT part of the rear), and Maryam and I have been doing exciting and fun things here.
For example, last night Maryam and I got really heated because it was Monday. Why is Monday so terrible? Well, Oprah is a constant fixture in the rear every weeknight at 11:00 pm, and Monday always seems to interrupt our Oprah fix. Monday is home to the popular program "Monday Night Football," and on Mondays Oprah doesn't come on until nearly 1:00 in the morning. Monday Night Football can stick it in the rear. So sick of it.
For real.
Maryam just announced that she is "leaving the rear." Both of us have to go to work. Jeezus. So sick of it.
For real.
I wish I could think of more things that happened in the rear over this break, but I am coming to a blank. The rear has seen a lot of sh*t these last few weeks.
Peace.
More to come from the rear later.