hope you ready for the next episode

Holler! We back! Girls in the Read is back fo sho! No worries!

I feel like all I do is apologize to you people. I'm not apologizing this time. We haven't blogged in a few weeks, so what? Get over it. Sorry, if that was harsh. I'm all about the tough love.

Things that have happened since spring break: trips to target, student teaching, new classes, cleaning the apt, A breaking the soap dish in the shower, pranks, eggings, douche bags, number one haters, movies, cookies, jokes, planning the prom. Blablabla.

The other day I went into the kitchen to have my morning bowl of cereal, when I saw this foul looking piece of equipment on the kitchen counter. "What, by George, is that?" I thought to myself. I poked at it, and turned it over to get a better look at it. "EGADS!" I screamed.

A- "What are you yelling about?"
L-(frightened) "EWW, what is that thing?"
A-"It's the soap dish from in the shower?"
L-"Well why isn't it in the shower??"
A-"I knocked it off by accident."
L-"YOU DON'T KNOW YOUR OWN STRENGTH, WOMAN!"

After that Adrienne pretty much refused to talk to me for a few days. I thought she might slap me in the face, but she restrained. Say, here's a question. A poll, if you will. If Adrienne and I ever got in a fistfight, who would win? I know that I have a good eight to nine inches on her, but, seriously, she doesn't know her own strength. And neither do you.

So, Maryam is student teaching now. Which pretty much means that she is an adult. Hey, if you've got 20-30 kids that you are responsible for...I say that makes you a grown up. A big girl. Hats off to Maryam.

L-"Do you like student teaching?"
M-"I love it. Wait...is this for the blog?"
L-(Lying through her teeth)- "No, I am just curious."
M-"Well, you can put this in the blog. Tell people that I love it."
L-"Well is that true? DO you love it?"
M-(whispering) "Is this off the record?"
L-"Lay it on me babe, I promise I won't tell anyone. Give me the good stuff"
M-(still whispering) "Well, sometimes I'm afraid, sometimes I am afraid when I am there, with the kids."
L-"Why are you afraid?"
M-"They are just really really cute...and...sometimes...oh my gosh, you have to promise not to tell anyone...but, sometimes I am afraid that I am going to steal one of them!"
L-(confused) "Steal one of them? What do you mean?"
M-"They are just such great kids, sometimes it feels like they should be mine, my kids."
L-"But Maryam, they aren't your kids, they are your students. You can't steal one of them. It would be so weird. And illegal."
M-"You promised that you wouldn't judge me!"
L-"Ok, sorry. I won't judge you, sorry."
M-"Can you come to my room for a minute? I need to show you something."
L-(weirded out) "Um, what do you have to show me? Can't you bring it out here?"
M-"He--I mean it! It won't fit. I've got something...or someone!...really great in my room."

Wow. Weirdest conversation ever. I always knew Maryam was kind of out there, but...whoa. I called the police and took care of that situation, don't worry. Maryam promises that she'll never do anything like that again.

Ok, I'm tired, that's all for now. If you want to come over here this week, please feel free. But don't come over thinking that we have a kid here, because we returned him. It's only three fine ladies. Holler!

my brother hates me

Ok, I'm a terrible person. I typed out the wrong myspace for my brother. I have no idea who that kid was, but apparently he sells shoes at JC Penneys. My brother is a lot of things, but he will NEVER be cool enough to be a shoe salesman. Sorry kid.

This is his real myspace:

www.myspace.com/matthewjmusic

Sorry kids. Oh--by the way--I am not posting this from the rear. I had to come home, cause Maryam smashed a huge pane of glass over my head.

Toodles.

I'm Ready To Go

Ok. So it's been awhile. I know that I say that every time, but seriously this time, I'm sorry.

There isn't even that much to write about. I should be studying, but the blog was calling. I can't even remember how many requests I've had for updates in the last couple days. Dozens. Like six dozen.

Ok, I'm trying to think.

Someone fell down the stairs on Saturday, that's never happened before. And when I say fall, I mean she took a real doozy of a spill. I'm surpised she didn't break something. Like a nail.

Ok. I need to get something off of my chest. I have a brother. Who is incredibly talented. Like seriously talented. This kid's going places. Like Des Moines.

Anyways. He's a great kid. And an extremely good musician. And extremely funny. Go to this site to hear his music:

www.myspace.com/matthewj

You'll like it, I swear to gosh. He's that great. This is a bad post because I have not talked about the rear at all. But talking about Matthew is more important. Because he is so good at what he does. He is good at music and at shoveling snow and raking leaves and making pizza and being a good brother, but not at driving or washing dishes or not lying when he talks about the movie Heathers.

Anyways, something must have happened in the rear.

Ah, this:

A-"You are crabby."
L-"I am not, I'm just stressed out."
M-"No, you are crabby. I can tell."
L-"I am not! I'm never crabby! Don't tell me what I am like! Don't tell me how to live my life! Why do you two keep torturing me like this? Do you realize what you are doing to me? You are ruining my life? Do you even realize that? Do you? Or are you to involved in your own bullshit to see that YOU ARE RUINING MY LIFE."
A-"Calm down. I was just stating the fact that you seemed crabby, and I wanted to make you feel better, so I made you a peanut butter sandwich, some hot pockets, and a bag of popcorn."
L-(hyperventilating) "You don't know me at all! You don't know me at all!"
M-"Yeah Adrienne, what were you thinking? She doesn't like those things!"
A-"Shut up Maryam, who doesn't like peanut butter?"
M-(sobbing) "You always do this to me, why do you always belittle me? Why?"
A-(ripping out a piece of her own hair in frustration) "Stop accusing me of things, I'm not a terrible person!" (beginning to cry) "I can't live in this house anymore!"
L-(gasping for breath) "So leave, leave me just like everyone else in my life has left me! Go be just like them! When will I find friendship, when will I find love?"
M-(between tears) "I can't do this anymore, I can't. You two suck the life out of me!"
A-(storming into her room) "Don't either of your dare talk to me unless it's to tell me that you are moving out!"
L-"I can't breathe! This place is stifling! You two oppress me! I can't be myself in my own home!"
M-"Don't either of your come near me! I hate you!" (slams her bedroom door)
L-(to herself) "They are ruining my life." (shouting) "I HATE THE REAR!"

Ok. Love ya blog!

two in the pink and one in the stink

Tuesday! Feb 28! Last day of February!

Well, I'll just get right into it, I'm sure you're intrigued by the title of this post.

This conversation took place yesterday. At night. In the living room. The fire was going. Romantic as hell.

Unfortunately, I can't remember how this topic came up. That's bad, because it makes it look like I refer to "the shocker" all the time, which I do not, but for some reason Maryam and I were speaking and "the shocker" was referenced.

L-"Blablabla, the shocker."
M-"What's the shocker?"
L-"You know, the shocker. Two in the pink and one in the stink."

Maryam pauses and then thinks for a minute. Finally:
M-"TWO IN THE VAGINA AND ONE IN THE ANUS?"
L- Laughter. "Um, yes."
M-"Why would anyone ever like that?"
Silence.
M-"Why would they? Do you know?"
Silence.
M-"Just tell me!"

Man, that was one of the greatest moments that our apartment has ever seen. You got more questions Maryam? Just let me know! Happy to help!

Friends Are Important Things to Have

The ladies in the rear--Adrienne, Maryam, and I--we have friends. Yep, that's right. We gots friends.

One of these "friends" is a lady by the name of Stacy. If you thought of Stacy from The Baby-Sitters Club when you hear her name, well then, you are just like me, because that is what I think of every time that I talk to her.

She's a fashion maven too, just like the character. No diabetes though!

So our friend Stacy--whom we have known just as long as we have known each other--has her own website. Before you get excited though, let me warn you: it's not a blog, it's just a website.

I realize that a website is not as cool as a blog, but shhhh! Don't tell Stacy that!!!

But, you should feel welcome/encouraged/forced to check out her mad cool brilliant website!

http://students.depaul.edu/~spratt/

If you are like me, then you love crossword puzzles! And if you don't love them, then that is your own problem! Not my problem! Yours!

We love Stacy!

Mostly because she reads our blog. If she didn't, then we would cut her in an alley.

Any alley, anywhere.

Love ya gurrrl! BFF 4 life!

Yell at me if you want, I am a terrible person. I haven't updated in THIRTEEN DAYS. You know what happens in thirteen days in the rear? A hell of a lot.

Hey wait though. I've got excuses. I got my wisdom teeth out, so I haven't even been in the rear that much. And, the Olympics are on, so that's eating up a lot of my time. I'm like super busy.

Damn. I'm trying so hard to think of what's been going on with us.

Ok, so the people that moved in upstairs? We think they are douches. Sorry to be so crass, but if you throw a big party, decline to invite us, and then let people puke off of your balcony down into OUR backyard and then never clean it up...well, you are a douche.

Adrienne and I tried to watch Saturday Night Live together on Saturday, but we couldn't, cause of the Olympics. So much for bonding.

Speaking of the Olympics, I'm not even going to get into the Michelle Kwan situation. If I do, I'm going to get emotional, and then you are going to ask me if I am being serious or joking, and then I am going to say "AM I SERIOUS??? OF COURSE I'M SERIOUS!!" And then you are going to laugh because you still think that I am joking, and I am going to get really offended and then you are going to get mad or feel bad or something, I don't know. And it won't be pretty. So let's not do that, ok?

Other than that though, this Olympics has been pretty enjoyable. I've never been one for ice dancing, but I've really been enjoying that. Don't ask me what I think about Lindsey Jacobellis, because I am sick of answering that question. I thought Johnny Weir was robbed. Bode Miller, who cares?

I am going to ask Adrienne a question:

L-"A, have you watched the Olympics at all?"
L-"A?"
L-"Adrienne?"

She's not answering me. That's lame. I love her though.

We all got each other gifts for Valentines Day. You know candy, socks, etc. Great girls, really, just the best.

A-"Stop screaming my name, what do you want?"
L-"Oh, I just wanted to ask you if you had been watching the Olympics lately?"
A-"Do I look like a loser?"
L-"A loser? But I watch the Olympics."
A-"Let me rephrase the question."
L-"Ok, thanks."
A-"Do I look like a TOTAL loser?"
L-"That was harsh. Look at the tv, this is ice dancing, it's great."
A-"Yeah, like I really need to watch a bunch of foreign old people skating around to the Phantom of the Opera, with you cutting in every two seconds to tell me some random and totally useless fact about their childhoods. No thanks, the f-ing Olympics isn't for me."

Fun fact about Lindsay: she is a total loser.

I have not hung out with Maryam in ages. I really miss her. The rear has been so lonely lately. I can't remember the last time that someone came to hang out with us. Andrew came over a few days ago, but that was only to take back his casserole dish. No one wants to play anymore.

We are having serious shower curtain problems. I don't know what to do anymore, the damn thing just won't stay up.

I want to write more, I really do. But ice dancing just got really, really good. And so I got to go. More later, I will really try.

I am an Olympics junkie, and I need my fix. Sorry kids.

We Call Each Other Babe Now

Happy Feb, y'all.

Wow. What a week it's been.

Right now Adrienne is telling me about her obsession with hot dogs. Please, like I didn't already know that.

These are the only things that Adrienne eats:
hot dogs
cheerios
peanut butter
noodles
ice cream
cookie dough
cookies
bananas
fajitas
roast beef
turkey
mashed potatoes
toast
pizza

That's it. That's all folks.

You know what though? I say kudos. That's right, kudos. Kudos to Adrienne for finding a plan and sticking to it. You don't like tacos? Then don't eat them babe! Ya got the right idea!

I, on the other hand, will eat pretty much anything.

Maryam has attributed this to my being "easygoing."

M-"You just don't care, you'll put anything in your mouth."
L-"Now hold the phone there, I do not like the sound of that."
M-"Yeah, you're right, that sounded bad."
L-"I know, I don't want anyone thinking that I like to eat Hot Pockets, because I do NOT like Hot Pockets."

It's true y'all. I can't stand them.

So. Did anyone go to a Super Bowl Party? We didn't. But we did get invited to one!

The boys next door, the ones who left us the note, left us ANOTHER note on Sunday.

That's right, another note!

This one said, "Flip Cup Starts at 3."

When I returned home from work at 4:30, their party was already in full swing, but I was tired y'all! I needed to take a little nap, so I did. But when I woke up, I still didn't feel like going over there. Neither did Adrienne. So we didn't go.

Man, we felt like jerks!

So we wrote them another note. This one said:

Misters,

Sorry we didn't attend your ragin fiesta, it looked bitchin! We wanted to come, but all of our hooded sweatshirts were in the wash.

Love,
Us

Man. We're going nuts with the notes.

I was going to post way more, but, silly me, I'm pretty forgetful.

One last conversation, this one's a gem:

M-"Give me more of the blanket, you're hogging it all."
L-"I barely even have a corner, if I give you any more I won't have any blanket at all."
M-(grabs blanket and pulls) "Then I guess you won't have any blanket at all."
L-"Maryam!"
A-"Lindsay, shut your mouth. That's Maryam's blanket anyways."
L-"My friend made me this blanket, it's mine. "
M-"Lindsay, don't you want to try to romance me a bit before V-Day? I'm not just going to automatically be your date."
L-"I never even said that I wanted you to be my date, you're the one who forced yourself on me."
M-"Forced myself on you? That's not what you said when I went down to your room last night."
L-"No means no. "
M-"You know you wanted it."
A-"Lindsay, get your ass down to the basement and clean up a little. It smells like fish down there. When you're done, wait silently cause we are coming for you."
L-(crying) "You guys scare me. I want to go home."
A-"This is your home now. Welcome home."

Wow man, here's the truth. I love those girls. But sometimes they scare me.

(But sometimes I scare myself too.)

Goodnight blog! Love ya!